Learning to be Human

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:1-3)

Our first week at BYA (Berkeley Youth Alternatives) was a total challenge. Somehow, I had these grand dreams and hopes of joining the program, having really transformative experiences, impacting the kids, gaining trust and respect, and “making a difference.” Yet after about a week of being there, it was hard not to feel invisible. The kids regularly ignored us, the group leaders barely talked to us, and the director still didn’t know our names. It seemed like everyone was constantly fighting with each other, breaking rules, pushing limits, and disrespecting us. I had been told on multiple occasions things such as “shut up,” “leave me alone,” “you’re doing too much” or “I don’t have to listen to you.” Many times when I actually tried to intervene and discipline the kids, they seem surprised and tell me that it’s “not the BYA way.” Every day felt like a struggle to make it through til 3:00.

Yet as I have been reflecting on Hebrews 12:1-3 the past few days, God has reminded me of the pain, the rejection, and the shame that Jesus endured on the cross- how Jesus was able to consider it a “joy set before him.” It totally boggled my mind- that the God of the universe would become flesh, dwell among our neighborhood, and face pain, rejection, opposition, and shame. The God of the universe was whipped, mocked, beaten, spit upon, insulted, and publicly humiliated, but still considered it joy- not because it was easy or because it was painless, but because he loved. He knew that the suffering of the cross was not the end, and that the force of love is greater than all of the forces of darkness that try to come and throw you down.

And as I thought about the cross, I realized that I am not far away from many of the kids that I work with, get frustrated by, and sometimes want to give up on. How many times have I rejected, disrespected, insulted, ignored, and even secretly hated my God in my heart, just as the kids do to me? How often do I let the pain and the brokenness in my life keep me from receiving both the love and the discipline of God, just as these kids?

Most days, we are lucky to just have one good moment with the kids. Other days, we might not even have any. The truth is, we are just one person among many who will influence one year among many, that shape who these kids become. But every day, I’m trying to understand a little bit more about the humanity of these kids and see them with Jesus’ eyes. I’m searching a bit harder for the dignity and the vulnerability hidden underneath layers of pain and defensiveness.

Through a smile in the midst of all the scowling and pouting, through a kind word in the midst of all the insults, through an affectionate embrace in the midst of all the invisibility, I am being reminded that these kids are human- human beings who are created in the image of God and carry His fingerprints within their stories, their laughter, and their tears.

So in the words and the actions of kids who I'm struggling to understand, I am learning to see glimpses of myself.

In the midst of all the chaos, the fighting, the talking back, and disrespecting, I’m learning what it means to take up my cross and lay my life down with joy, just as Jesus did.

In the midst of loving kids who sometimes feel impossible to love, we are learning also to love ourselves, in the midst of all our failures, our imperfections, and our human limitations.

And they are the ones teaching us to be more human.

-Erina (July 12, 2007)